Christmas at Arkham Asylum
by SchattenShadow
Summary: It's Christmas Eve and everyone has a plan to escape- especially Harley and Ivy. But what happends when things start going wrong? Can Batman stop the usual nuts, Joker, Scarecrow, Two-Face and the Riddler at the Christmas party? Chapter 2 is up!
1. Default Chapter

Ivy smiled as she looked at the Christmas card invitation the weary looking guard slipped into every criminals cell. It had a picture of an insane person trying to escape the asylum and Santa gunning him down. Lovely how subtle Arkham was towards their prisoners concerning escape attempts.

"_Come to the Arkham Christmas Eve party! There will be games, presents, contests, and tree decorating! All those under special treatment must wear a straightjacket at all times._" Pam furrowed her eyebrow as she read.

"Wow. How can a girl resist? I'd be utterly insane to miss it." She laid the invititation on a table and sighed. She'd been in Arkham for a total of 12 weeks now…

"HEY RED!!!!" Harley Quinn pounded her fists on the glass cell from next door. "Didja hear the good news?! I haven't been to a party in…wow must have been close to three months!"

"You've been in _here_ for three months, Harley." Ivy put her hands on her hips as-a-matter-of-factly. "Besides, it's only going to be the same old nutcases- Harvey, Nygma, Crane-"

"An Puddin'" Harley slipped in quickly.

"I thought he traded you into the police…"

"My Puddin' would never miss Christmas with me! Why he even sent me a card last night!"

"I know. You read it to me this morning. And it said : 'Think of a way for me to escape.' It didn't even say _us_ Harley."

"He was just writing in a hurry. And you know what Red? This Christmas party might be the solution for our problems. I'm ready to get out of here, you're ready to get out of here, Mr. J is suffering as we speak-"

"He got committed this morning! And he _wrote the card last night_!"

"Hey Red, you're right! He must have wanted to see me!"

Ivy sighed. "No, I'm sure that's what normal people write in cards, but that defiantly wasn't what he wrote. You've got to get rid of this guy, Harley. _You promised_ me a year ago."

"Well, we'll make it a New Years resolution…Please Red, just help me this time. Make it a Christmas bash Arkham will never forget"

"I don't think so, if you're talking about that love mistletoe thing." Ivy sighed.

"Common, you always said Mr. J never treated me good. Here's you chance to see him treat me like he should! Pleaase? Pretty please? Pretty, pretty please?" Harley begged.

"Oh all right, but you have to promise me the moment he starts treating you like crap you're on your own." Ivy said.

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"This is stupid, insulting, vile, and completely a waste of time. I REFUSE to go to this- I simply will not parties-"

"Shut UP, Nygma- we know you're excited to go. I saw you lay out that cheesy looking bowtie." Harvey cracked his knuckles. "Besides, this might be our chance to escape."

Nygma changed the subject quickly. "Uh, you know who came back this morning? I bet he'll make some sort of escape. Arkham is just _asking_ for trouble." Ngyma heard the clanging of Harvey's coin.  
"Bets say the Bat shows up tomorrow night. I say we get in touch with Joker and find out if we're collaborating or going solo on this one."

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"Hello, Arkham here."

"Are you utterly mad!? Do you _not_ remember the aquarium trip!?" Commissioner Gordon shouted over the phone. (A/N: Hee, hee, hee, read my other fic to understand.)

"Oh, hello Commissioner…um, I see you've heard of the Christmas Party." Arkham said nervously.

"Wasn't it already clear that there is no reason to involve such dangerous monsters into social events? This is just the sort of thing that would cause another uproar in Gotham! You know that they will be planning something- and dag nab-it- we _just_ got the Joker in the place!"

"Oh yes, I'm quite aware. Um, but …security's been doubled and …er, they're people too-"

" ' They're people too?' 'THEY'RE PEOPLE TOO!?'"

"Listen, I can see you need a straight answer. This wasn't my idea, really, the state called again. They seemed to be blaming the aquarium incident on Batman. I know, it's outrageous but they do fund us and well…ahem, will you please ask…you know, Batman if he'd stop by…?"

"But security has doubled. And surely 'people' won't be hard to handle. Right?" Commissioner Gordon said through clenched teeth.

"Please, I care just as much for the safety of Gotham as you. Really. Just have him stop by, just for ten minutes at most. No one has to know he's there." Arkham stuttered in a jumble.

A sigh could be heard from the other end.

"I'll ask him. But he might not do it."

"There's the Christmas spirit." Arkham said clearly relieved.

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" Do they not recall Nygma stapling rare tropical fish to the side of the wall to make a question-mark?" Batman asked annoyed.

"I know, I know. You're preaching to the chorus." Commissioner Gordon sighed.

"Choir."

"Whatever- the truth is there might be a revolt, and Arkham knows it. But they don't care because of the money."

"And they want me to be there. To babysit again."

"Well…they don't technically have to see you. You can just stand behind the glass or something."

Batman rubbed his temples.

"What will they be doing?"

"You know your average Christmas stuff. Decorating the tree, secret Santa's, contests…"

"Contests? Like who's the most insane?"

"I appreciate your light humor but this is a good deal more serious. So will you do it?"

"This is the aquarium trip all over again."

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**3 hours before the party. Maximum security cell number 008. Joker.**

"Hey Clown. This is from the freak upstairs." A guard slipped a piece of paper through the bars (after reading it carefully of course. Oh maximum Arkham Security. Nothing gets by you…for 5 minutes.)

A white pasty hand could be barely seen opening the paper. Some giggles emerged from the darkness. "OH BILLY! OF COURSE I'LL GO TO THE BALL WITH YOU!!! HAAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAAAAAA!"

"Man…what nutsos…" The guard shook his head. "Oh yeah, this is for you too. Kind of disgusting." A frilly pink piece of paper was slipped through the bars. For some _odd_ reason, Joker read it out loud.

" _Dear Puddin'. I lurve you_, ugh, I've never had anyone lurve me before, except one time when Batman wasn't looking. _Red and I think it'd be sweet if we went to the Christmas thing they got going tonight. We're gonna bust out somehow, Red has something planned. Well, gotta go, I'm getting weird looks again. Ta ta Bab-boo! 3_ "

"Quiet in there!" Nygma shouted as Joker finished in a high-pitched squeaky voice the end of the note.

"You're just jealous you're not a Bab-boo. Just that your mommy says you're a boo-boo!" Joker replied laughing hysterically.

There was a row of laughter erupting from the cells next door.

"It's funny 'cause it's true!" Crane shouted with a loud chortle.

"You said you wouldn't tell!" Nygma shouted harshly.

"It must of slipped." Crane looked at his nails, not seeming very sorry.

"To Joker?! Are you mad?" Nygma growled.

"Well we're sure not in Cub scouts." Harvey added slyly.

"QUIET IN THERE! NO TALKING!! Or you'll all be sedated and have toilet duty for a month!" An orderly shouted.

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"Harley, I know the Joker toxin ordainments are a good idea, but don't you think we should do this _our way?_ Besides, I have a better idea that will give us a whole lot more action." Ivy played with a piece of mistletoe and put it in her hair. The guards agreed that Harley and Ivy could get all sexied up in the same cell before the party.

"But Red, Puddin's way is the BEST way! Besides, he'll be wayyyy more impressed." Harley said combing her hair.

"Let me guess. He told you that." Ivy said rolling her eyes.

"Of course! Mr. J's always teaching me new things…"  
"Like how _not_ to be independent?" Ivy frowned.

"Oh don't be so sore! If it wasn't for mister J we wouldn't be friends." Harley hugged Ivy.

A guard knocked on the glass. "Hey you two ready yet? We're letting out the ladies first…not that it matters, you'll all crazy anyway."

"Chivalry is not dead, just asking for it." Ivy sneered.

"I thought his name was Florence." Harley said tilting her head to the side.

"Hold up there missies, got a card for you from the crazy clown. What do I look like? A mailing service?" The guard asked out loud.

"Just a male chauvinist pig." Whispered Ivy as Harley hid her smile.

"Hold up, gotta read it first. Ahem, ' Harl-sweet cheeks,'- man, what is up with this!? It's Christmas, not Valentines Day, here's your stupid letter." The guard threw it at the girls and walked away.

" 'Sweet cheeks'?" Ivy said raising an eyebrow.

" It goes on, ' I'm planning to blow up the asylum. Tell the Weed her plan is a no-go. P.S., in case the Bat shows up, distract him while I escape. I will come back for you.'"

"Harley look! He's planning on ditching you and he hasn't even started with his plan!"

" It says, 'I'll come back for you.' Sheez."

" Back for you where? He's blowing up Arkham. How would he know where you were?" Ivy asked hands on her hips.

"My Puddin's smart." Harley said not looking sure of herself.

"Your Puddin' is crazy. And a liar. No. I won't let him do this to you. We're doing my plan. Besides, don't you want to get some hardcore smooching action?" Ivy said patting the mistletoe in her hair affectionately. "I'm not carrying this baby for nothing. And I know you would never pass up kissing your Puddin'." Ivy hated to use the Joker as an affectionate way of persuading Harley, but she knew that Harley would only go against the Jokers orders if it involved his interaction. Ironically.

Harley smiled widely, disregarding the letter in her mind entirely.

"For all he knows, we didn't even get his letter." Harley said with a shrug.

"That's the spirit girl. Now put on some lipstick and lets go."

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"Nervous?" Harvey asked as Christmas music played in the background. He sipped some punch, looking elegant despite the drab colors of the asylum uniform. " I like that tie by the way."

"Thanks. I stole it. After I killed a man of course." Crane said straightening his prize.

"Of course. May I ask why you're wearing it? It's just a stupid party."

Crane lowered his voice.

"This is the only time we'll actually get to interact with the girls in a formal setting." Crane whispered.

"I suppose 'the girls' are Harley and Ivy. I wouldn't waste my time. Harley's taken. Obviously. And Ivy is in love with her plants. But you might catch her eye, you're a total wallflower." Harvey said with a smirk.

"Well at least I'm not half as desperate as Nygma. He's pretending to greet the women at the door when he knows perfectly well there's mistletoe under it." Crane said spitefully.

"It's sad you noticed. Jealous much?" Harvey asked laughing.

" Questionable little bastard." Crane scowled. "Say, does this punch taste funny to you?"

"A bit, but everything tastes funny here. It might be a sedative."

"Let's tell our people. Well, everyone except Nygma." Crane said. They both glanced towards the door with amused eyes.

"Aw, now, who put this here?" Riddler said loudly pointing to the mistletoe as an attractive woman was being led inside by a guard.

"Touch me and I'll kill you." The girl said walking past Riddler quickly.

"You must be from block 11. Homicide ward, am I correct?" Riddler asked with a toothy smile.

"Leave the poor girl alone Eddie." Ivy said walking through the door. "Aw, poor little thing." She said looking up at the mistletoe hung above. "You're all dry and suffering." She switched the mistletoe above the doorway with the one in her hair.

"Yeah Eddie, you're commin' on too strong for a gal. Besides, you're a little geeky, try shootin' lower." Harley said accompanying Ivy. "I'll catch up with you later Red. I'm waiting for my Puddin'." She winked.

" Alright, but remember, only shake the mistletoe when he comes through the doorway. You don't want the spores to seep on to some loser, or he'll be all over you all night." Ivy whispered. "I'm getting some punch. Have a blast."

"Puddin'? Puddin'? You're not Puddin'." Harley said as she shoved people through the door. "Puddin'?"

"Hey, you're ruining my chances." Riddler said annoyed.

"I'll save you some time Eddie 'cause I like you. We all agreed that we'd never date you." Harley said patting him on the shoulder. "Puddin'?"

"Harl, how is everything _going_?" Joker said with a big grin.

"Oh, just peachy-keen! Uh…Gimmie five!" Harley said hitting the mistletoe. She watched in excitement as he breathed in the spores.

" Five what? Quit messing around Harl. You have to cooperate if we pull this off. Did you set up the bombs?"

"Bombs? Puddin', I didn't even know I was supposed to." Harley said slightly confused.

"What did you think I wanted you to do? Why else would I send you a card explaining my plan?" Joker barked at her. " Keep up this habit of being incompetent and you can consider yourself out permanently."

" But- but Mr. J-"

" No buts. Now get those bombs set up, I don't care what you have to do to do it." Joker said shoving her roughly into Nygma. "Don't talk to me for the rest of the night, and don't call me Puddin'." He growled making his way to Harvey and Crane.

" But…you were supposed to really love me…" Harley whispered.

" You should try shooting lower." Riddler said pushing her off of him.

" I gotta talk to Red." Harley said storming off disappointed.

She found Ivy talking to a handsome man holding his punch glass like a martini.

"- So I killed him." The guy said laughing.

" Yeah, I've never done that before. And neither has anyone else here in the asylum for the criminally insane. Loser." Ivy said turning from the guy. She frowned at Harley's upset face. "What's wrong?"

"It didn't work. Now Mr. J's grumpy _and_ I have to go through his plan or we're through." Harley replied.

"What do you mean, 'it didn't work'? It always works. Here, let me see it." Ivy said walking over to the mistletoe. "Get out of my way Nygma."

"You can't push me around. This is my mistletoe honey." Riddler said crossing his arms.

"Believe me, you want to get out of the way." Ivy said brushing up against the mistletoe. To her shock, Riddler rushed under it steaming from his ears.

"Now listen here…you…you…" His voice changed tone and he smirked slyly. "Sexy vixen!" Nygma trailed his finger against Ivy's arm.

"You have got to be kidding me." Ivy said in a tortured voice.

"Ewww, he did the finger snakey thing to your arm!" Harley announced in disgust.

"Riddle me this, doll face. What'll keep you warm at night and look great on you? Answer: me." Riddler said winking.

"Well at least we know it works." Ivy said glaring daggers at Harley.

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"How do I look Alfred?" Bruce asked.

"Like a homicidal maniac sir." Alfred replied without looking up. "Might I suggest a hat or dying your hair back to it's normal color once the evening is over? If you don't mind me saying so, you look horrific with spiky blonde hair."

"Horrific is all these people know Alfred. I have to look the part. If I show up as Batman there is sure to be a riot. But if I don't show up at all, it's a risk as well."

"Very good sir. Some advice before you leave, avoid eating or drinking anything while you're there." Alfred said handing him an Arkham uniform.

"Heard the rumors about the sedatives in the punch hm?" Bruce said with a smirk.

" It's worse than you speculate sir, I know the chief. He's a bit odd. His name is Mr. Dockerin, and he has the most strange obsession with yodeling." Alfred replied. "It's almost 10:00pm sir, you don't want to be late."

"Yeah, I can hardly wait to share Christmas cheer with homicidal maniacs."

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"So then the chief will say-" Harvey was talking but Joker was just nodding his head. Pretending to hear. Harvey picked this up with his super-lawyer senses. "Is there something wrong with your neck."

"Uh-huh." Joker stroked his chin. "Have you seen Harley?"

"Uh yeah, she was crying in the southwest corner 12 minutes ago." Crane said looking at his watch.

"Um- so I was saying…" Harvey tried to continue.

"YOU LOOKED AT HER WITH YOUR UGLY SIDED FACE DIDN'T YOU?!?" Joker wildly grabbed Harvey by the jacket so suddenly that he dropped his coin. The Jokers voice dropped to a deadly whisper. "Made her nervous did you? Made her cry? All of those double stares you give her- the outrageous expectations that you lay on her poor ruined self-image."

"W-what are you talking about you insane clown? Get OFF of me!" Harvey growled, shoving the pale hands off.

"Interesting. Joker seems to have projected his self image on Harvey…." Crane smiled to his imaginary audience (OR is it US? J )

"I don't have TIME for half formed humans…I must RESCUE my Pumpkin from the likes of you…" Joker dramatically walked away.

"I guess he hated the plan." Crane couldn't help looking a little pleased.

"Crane."

"Yes?"

"Stop sipping the punch."

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"Just- ONE- KISSS!!" Nygma grabbed Ivy's head and was closing in for the kill. Ivy quickly grabbed a trashy looking cupcake and held it in front of her lips. "Mmmmm sweets. I bet you're hoping that I eat this cupcake and lick off all the frosting from your mouth…." Ngyma struck a sexy face pose. Ivy forced the cupcake into his eye. "AHHHHHHHHH the sedatives BURN!"

"Oops missed your mouth." Ivy said with a grin.

"That's okay." Ngyma wiped the frosting off his eye. "That's how we know it's real love. _It hurts sometimes._"

"GET away you sick spandex wearing SADIST!"

"All healthy relationships start with spandex. And honesty. I admire you for that." Nygma replied.

"What does that _mean_?" Ivy asked horrified.

"I know. It's the public thing. You have to be cold and distant. You're scared people will find out how vulnerable and passionate we are." Nygma leaned over to Ivy's ear and whispered in a shaky voice. "Trust me…."

"Stay here, I'm going to unfreeze hell." Ivy growled.

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"Harl?" Joker said spotting her in the corner. "I've been looking everywhere for you pumpkin pie!"

"Y-you have?" Harley said wiping away her tears and sniffling.

"Well actually someone told me where you were, but I would look everywhere if I didn't have directions." Joker replied as-a-matter-of-factly. "But that's not important. I just hatched an outrageously funny plan! We've been aiming too low- why blow up Arkham when we can destroy all of Gotham City!?"

Harley turned and faced the Joker, looking a tad confused.

"What do you mean Puddin'?"

"I mean, let's make Gotham City _our_ city! In the sense that we kill everyone in it and repopulate it with little Joker's!" The Joker said grinning wildly.

" Do you really mean it? Really? Wait- what about Batman?" Harley asked.

"Well, I suppose we can leave one dog-faced girl for Bats. We'll need his slave children to serve our little ones." Joker said grabbing her hands.

"Oh Puddin', I'm so happy!" Harley said hugging him tightly.

"Give daddy some suga'!" the Joker shouted. He then pulled her into a tight smooch.

"Harley!" Ivy shouted. She then looked at Joker in disgust as he was obviously ignoring her and refused to break off the kiss. "Ew. HARLEY! We have a problem- _now_!" Ivy screamed karate chopping the kiss.

" Hey Red, what's your deal? Can't you see me and Mr. J are busy?" Harley asked annoyed.

"Yeah, hit the trail!" Joker added.

"Harley, I'm serious, I need your help." Ivy grumbled. "You can always do this another time. But we have big problems."

"Um, I'll be back Puddin'." Harley said struggling to get out of his arms. "Puddin' let go."

"I need ja' baby, I need ja!" Joker said smoothly.

"Oh for gods sake, just LET HER GO." Ivy clenched her teeth.

Harley eventually fought him off, thanks to acrobatic skill and joined her partner in crime.

"Man, it was gettin' juicy too. What's up Red?" Harley mumbled.

"Look, it just got worse. Nygma is following me everywhere, so I have no time to seduce the guards to get us out of here. He's like vacuum cleaner, loud, sucky, and just plan not sexy. He causes all this attention, and there's this albino porcupine headed new freak that follows us in a distance. I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't staring at us now." Ivy growled annoyed.

"Wanna tell spike-head to beat it?" Harley asked.

"Don't bother. I think someone else is." Ivy said rubbing her temples.

"Hey man, you lookin' at my lady?" Nygma said poking Bruce in the chest.

"I wasn't aware she was your lady by the way she looked disgusted at you." Bruce replied.

"I'll have you know we're in love." Nygma retorted.

"Did you tell her that? She doesn't seem to know." Bruce smiled. "But listen, I don't want any trouble."

"What's black and white and red all over?" The Riddler asked with a glare.

"A newspaper?" Bruce sighed.

"Answer: your face." Nygma said with a sadistic grin.

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Authors Note: I didn't write this fiction by myself. In fact, my sister helped me write it. She motivates me and wrote parts of the story. Just try to guess what parts are mine and what parts are hers.


	2. Default Chapter the Second

A crowd was starting to form in a circle around Bruce and The Riddler, and a dozen of guards wearing riot gear was making their way towards the middle.

"_This isn't good at all. I don't need this kind of attention._" Bruce thought. "Listen, pal, you're right."

"I-I am?" Nygma questioned suspiciously, his balled fist still raised.

"Of course. How I could possibly come between you and your girl? I mean, just look at my hair. It's a terrible defect, I'm scarred! Worse than Two-Face!"

"Hey!" Came a rough voice from the crowd.

"You're obviously the better man." Bruce assured, turning his head dramatically to the side. "Please, don't hit me…"

"Well, your hair is rather disgusting. I suppose it would be a low blow to hit a cripple." Nygma said loudly to the crowd. Some of them clapped, some of them booed, but one of them smirked as she left the scene in a hurry.

"Quick Harley, now's our chance." Ivy whispered excited, "As a back-up plan I convinced the social worker to get us a real Christmas tree! Just climb on and we'll bust through the rooftop windows! Of course, getting off the grounds from the roof is a lot more difficult…"

"B-but what about Puddin'?" Harley asked looking frantically around for the clown as she was dragged towards the shimmering pine.

"Forget about him Harley!" Ivy growled.

"I'm not going anywhere without my Puddin." Harley whined. She shook off her friend's hand and planted her feet firmly on the ground.

"Now is _not _the time to be stubborn!" Ivy hissed. "Okay, we'll come back for him. Good enough?"

"Come back for who love?"

Ivy turned around, her face completely red with rage and disbelief.

"Back off Nygma! I'm having a _bad day_! And you just blew every little good thing about it straight to h-"

"A couple of kisses will make everything right." Nygma suggested with a quirky grin. He snaked his arm around Ivy's shoulders, who seemed completely oblivious to her surroundings.

"You bumbling idiot- don't you realize that a kiss from me is lethal?" Ivy snapped.

"Baby, your love is lethal." Nygma said with a wink.

Ivy whipped her head back and shrieked with such intensity that even Harley, whose high-pitched voice she was used to, covered her ears and grimaced.

"The voice of an angel…" Nygma sighed as everyone was staring at them.

"GET AWAY FROM ME!" Ivy literally shouted in The Riddler's ear making him cringe. "Harley, we're getting out of here, even if everyone in the whole world is watching. Harley did you….hear…me? Harley? Where are you?"

* * *

"Listen, I'm sorry about your hair, but I don't have time to sympathize." Harley said as Bruce cornered her. "Now will you get out of my way? I'm looking for my boyfriend." 

" You're doing a lot more than that. You're trying to break out of Arkham." Bruce responded crossing his arms.

"Geez, who are you- The World's Greatest Detective? Everyone is trying to break out of here." Harley said rolling her eyes and trying to get past his hulky frame.

" I can't allow you, or Poison Ivy, to leave." Bruce said.

" Quit with the B-man ethics. I get the point." Harley sighed. "Fine, I'll cut you in. But you better not trip any silent alarms. Now help me find my boyfriend so we can get out of here."

Bruce reviewed the scenario in his head and nodded.

"What does your boyfriend look like?" Bruce asked dreading the response.

"Incredibly handsome, nice smile, cute little cliff in his chin-"

"- There's an ugly, lanky, pastey-faced, yellow-toothed, green haired psychotic looking clown walking over here. Want me to ask him where your incredibly handsome boyfriend is?" Bruce grunted.

" Harley-girl!" The Joker shouted holding out his arms.

" Puddin'!" Harley squealed jumping into them, ignoring Bruce completely.

" Jeez Harl, you really lowered yourself." The Joker whispered looking at Bruce. "Could you pick an uglier friend?"

" Not everyone can have your beautiful face Mr. J. Besides, I feel sorry for him." Harley whispered back.

"Well give him the slip and let's roll baby cheeks." The Joker said slapping her butt. Harley giggled at the gesture.

"_I think I'm going to hurl._" Bruce thought feeling nauseous at Jokers show of affection.

"Harley! There you are, where were you? It's time to go. Now." Ivy shouted walking towards the crowd.

"I just found Mr. J, we're all set." Harley said. "Say, how did you manage to shake off you-know-who?"

"Nygma? I just told him I dropped my favorite ring in the ladies bathroom. He'll be in there for a while, if he ever gets the nerve to walk out of the stall. But that's not important." Ivy said.

Everyone paused and stared at each other.

"What?" Bruce asked annoyed.

"Well usually at this point someone interrupts us or that stupid lug Batman bursts through a window. It just felt like one of those times." Joker explained looking around for our favorite caped hero.

"Batman? Here? He'd have to be looney toons to come here." Ivy scoffed.

"I agree." Bruce chimed.

* * *

"Do you think it's been long enough?" Crane asked Harvey as they made their way to the bathrooms. 

"I think so. It's getting painful." Two-Face responded knocking on the women's door.

"J-Just a minute!" A strained, obviously-not-a-girl voice rang.

"Nygma, get out of there. It's embarrassing." Harvey shouted.

"Yes, you're making yourself look stupider than ever, which is quite a new low for you." Scarecrow added.

Slowly the door opened.

"I can't leave until I find Ivy's favorite ring. She sent me on a sacred mission- a mission of love." Nygma distressingly explained.

Harvey and Scarecrow looked at each other and burst out laughing.

"Sacred mission? Mission of love? Oh man, did she play you for a sap!" Crane shouted.

"Listen, you can't score broads going head-over-heels crazy. You have to play it smooth. Like me and _Mon-toy-ya_." Two-Face said in a sing-song tone of voice.

"Doesn't she always take away your phone privileges?" Nygma asked meekly, walking out of the women's bathroom.

"Yeah, but she's just playing hard to get." Two-Face said defensively.

" But doesn't she call you 'Phone-Freak'?" Crane asked with a grin.

"Pet-name." Harvey mumbled frustratingly.

"Doesn't sound very nice-" Crane said.

"SHUT UP! She adores me okay? And she's smart because she can't outright declare it because people like you won't understand- okay!" Dent growled.

"Still, 'Phone-Freak', that's a little woo woo-" Crane heckled.

"I said shut- hey, where do you think they're going?" Harvey asked looking at Ivy, Bruce, Joker and Harley running towards the Christmas tree.

"I don't know, but I think it's something big. Come on, let's find out." Crane said.

"But I can't return to my love without her ring." Nygma said.

"Weren't you listening at all?" Harvey said rolling his eyes.

"Whatever Phone-Freak." Riddler responded following their lead.

* * *

Authors Note: Just in case you're wondering, I love to mix my fictions together, and you can read about Dent calling Montoya in my fiction "The Phone Call". Pretty generic, right? 


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